Socialization - The process by which individuals learn how to play their roles in society, simply put.

We play multiple roles, students, sons, daughters, friends etc. And from a young age, we're imbued with various dos and donts pertaining to each social role we are to play.

I recall in this particular class, we were talking about gender and its stereotypes. From a young age, girls are given dolls, and things pink and pretty. This is so that girls are socialized to become feminine, delicate, and all that jazz, with the opposite being true for guys. So, everyone was asked to write down the EXPECTATIONS that they have for the roles of a male and female.

The typical being,
Male: Aggressive, courageous (LOL i find this term funny in today's context), competitive, outspoken etc etc
Female: Sweet, gentle, pretty, emotional etc etc

As i listened to what my classmates had to say, I realized that i possessed ALL of the 'masculine' traits and none of those of the 'feminine'. Meaning, sociologically speaking, i have failed in my social role as a female. BADLY.

Which means, my socialization process has been a failure. LOL. I was made to be sweet and sit quietly with my legs crossed but I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO KEEP MY HAIR LONG and don my hair with pretty pink ribbons nor was i given any barbie dolls to play with. Maybe they were socializing me to be only HALF a female?
Seeing no sense in what i was expected to do,  I did the opposite. I wanted to keep my hair long and play with dolls but i REFUSED to behave like a girl.
Which led to my having a rather feminine appearance but a gregarious personality as a grew up. Yes. Half a female i became.  Not in the way my folks wanted though lol. Perhaps if they had FULLY socialized me to be a female, things would have been different. 

This led to psychological and emotional quandaries of a large scale. I deemed having 'masculine' traits something positive. These traits were what would make me stand out from the average female and do great things in future. Society, however is not as forgiving. I was thought of as 'weird', and i got ditched by every guy i liked, because they found me intimidating. These certainly did a lot to bruise my ego. I began to think there was something wrong with me, and so in high school, i denounced my personality and interest in exchange for a more 'feminine' persona who disliked to study (which, was the direct opposite of what i really was) in the hopes of acceptance of which i gained at a hefty price. Due to my 'not liking to study' i screwed my exams real bad,  i turned my back on my friends who would love me for who i am for 'friends' who were more 'popular', but truth be told, i never experienced any true friendship while i was with these 'popular' friends. And of course, i lost myself in the process. 

 When i turned 18, this realization dawned upon me and i began to resent everyone and everything. If no one could accept me, then i suppose i'd be better off on my own. With this mindset, i ostracized myself from everyone and everything, and began to pursue my esoteric interests everyone would probably deem weird. To prevent myself from being susceptible to any more hurt in the future, i resocialized myself to believe that no guy would ever liked me, for if he did, he'd be insane. After all, who would like a girl who isnt can't be one? Don't get me wrong. I am not wallowing in self pity. I was merely changing my outlook in life and embracing who i was. Acceptance from the opposite sex thereon, became the least of my worries. Acquisition of knowledge became my top priority.

When i turned 19, life looked up. i met people who actually thought i was cool, albeit them being a minority, and just a month after i hit 20, i got hooked up. The unbelievable has happened. Getting hooked up posed a few problems for me. Sure Maurice thinks my gender confusion is cool, but if you've read my previous (friends locked) entry written in chinese, you'd see why my gender confusion returned to haunt me. And a few issues here and there led me to start hating myself again. For instance, i hated how Maurice and i could BOTH talk with flair and make the class laugh, but while it serves to increase his popularity, it does the direct reverse for me. Essentially, i hated how we could both do the same thing but yield such vastly varying results solely due to the gender difference.

 I knew it was pointless for me to go into recluse this time round because i felt it was very much a defeatist sorta solution, to run away. Maurice assured me i was good, but in order to deal with the society, who would not appreciate me the way he does, i would have to HIDE. Pretend to blend in, while ensuring i do not compromise my true self. Being a little more mature this time round, i did not feel any insecurities, and i did not think of myself being an anomaly. I just felt like a misfit because i felt the society was hypocritical in its way it judges people.

Notice the stark difference in the ways i dealt with my problems. This suddenly brought to mind Emile Durkheim, a French sociologist who was famous for his study of suicide. ( i dont know why, really. He based his study mostly on statistics, and religion in french speaking europe. I dont think such factors are enough to explain suicide as a social phenomenon.)
Anyway he cites 4 types of suides.

1) Egoistic - Where an individual is not integrated into society and feels no sense of belonging.
2) Altruistic - Where an individual is TOO integrated into the society, such that he believes his death will do good to the society
3) Anomic- Where an individual's goals do not coincide with the goals of society. The difference between this and egoistic suicie, would be that in this case, an individual remains integrated into society. He may not be ostracized and he may be accepted, contrary to the case of an  egoistic suicide; he just loses his sense of self.
4) Fatalistic - Excessive feelings of oppression.

In my high school days, i would probably be #2, when i turned 18, i would be #1 and currently i would be #3.  These 4 types of suicides could very well stem from a failed socialization process as well, as seen in the story of my life. No. im not contemplating suicide. I have too much to live for. 

And now back to the reality where i am utterly consumed by stress arising from my inability to grasp my economics-cum-calculus concepts quickly and firmly. I'm pretty thankful for this sense of urgency actually. Hopefully it gets me my first class honors.

Oh okay, second class upper then.
 

Indeed humans are such thrill seeking, self centered creatures.

When you have not an iota of emotion, it's all a game. Fun, it will be, thrilling, it will be.

When you you take this game to a whole new level, emotions, the thing most needed becomes the biggest hindrance of it all.  To keep playing the game, and reining it in all so tightly and allow yourself to be consumed by fatigue, or to let loose and enjoy, and yet put yourself at a risk of getting injured to an extent you'd be marked with indelible scars aplenty?

I suppose intuitions are there for a reason. Fear is there to forewarn you of an impending doom.   the objective person will be able to derive a thousand reasons as to why this fear is unfounded, from his reason, and from his circumstances. And yet, can logic alone override this emotion that manifests itself with nary a hint of rationality?
 

☺FRIENDS  ONLY

Hi! My name is Jamie. I am 19, Chinese. 
I speak English, Japanese and Chinese
and a bit of Korean and Italian too
I love FT Island, DBSK, Super Junior, Battle, and amongst a whole lot of other celebs.
I fangirl A LOT and i like pretty boys 8D,
but am NOT big on Japanese stuff.
Shall we flail together? :D
No lurkers please!
if you're never gonna show up, please DONT add!

After piano today, I hit the arcade for a round of Para Para paradise, as usual. Halfway into my first song, a buncha guys came to me and started talking to me.  They were around 15-16, i reckon. They seemed pretty friendly and harmless, so i bantered a bit with em.

"So your alone?"
"yeah"

When i finished a song, they'd clap and go ask for an encore and ask if i was tired.

Then this guy asked "How old are you?" and i said "19" and he was a lil shocked. "19?? But you look so young!" "how old do i look, then?" "16 or so"

AWWWW

After i was done, he asked me where i was headed, and i said that i was going home. That was the end. BUt its not everyday i get talked to by unknown people. 

SERIOUSLY NOW, MY FOLKS KNOW NOTHING OF THE TERM 'PRIVACY'.

I;ve got this piece of paper hidden between my books in my bag and WTF? It was actualy being taken outta my bag. i am beyond pissed.  Do your folks go thru your stuff? Read whatever names that might be written on a piece of paper, and if its the name of a guy, instantly assume that he's your bf and mention his name condescendingly? LOOK INTO YOUR WALLET?! Who knows, they might evn have been readin thru my text messages.  (yes, and because of that i hafta take some measures to prevent my guy friens from being talked about in a horrendous manner by my folks. i save their names as girls's names)

I swear now I am gonna do an even better job hiding my stuff. NO WAY am i ever leaving my stuff alone at whatever location either parent might be in. I shall ensure that all my belongings are within my sight.

Clearly, my folks do not trust me, and they seem suspicious of everything that i do. i hate living under such scrutiny. Its stifling. i can't wait for 4 years (i think) to pass. Cuz by then, if im lucky, I'll probably be somewhere else far far away.

From some Chinese magazine called Young. Some parts of this interview are really hard to translate, so dont expect 100% accuracy. 

and FINALLY.......THE BEST FOR LAST

im getting a kick outta doing this. well, im on vacation now, so i have lotsa time to do lotsa fangirl stuff. So yeah..SCANS SCANS SCANS!!! =D
I apologize in advance for some of the scans that may look screwed up. If anyone wants me to re-scan anything, do tell me.
Oh yeah, and dont worry if the thumbnails dont show up cuz i've provided a dl link to a zipped file containing all the images.

Arena 37 Degrees (August 2007) : DBSK 

Arena 37 Degrees (August 2007) : w-inds.